Why I hate my (8 year old) self...

From time to time when things are particularly difficult in my life I think back to a pinnacle moment in my life that I think doomed defined me forever.

I'm 8 years old sitting in my 4th grade class and we're learning some math things, I believe we were using fake pizza pieces to learn about fractions...I always remember wishing those cardboard pieces of pizza were real ...I was a fat little kid.

So I'm sitting there with my fake food doing fractions and I can actually do them quite easily...in fact my teacher wanted me to move to the group which was learning more and was ahead of the rest of the class...but I refused...Why? Because I didn't want to look uncool I guess.
I guess the risk of looking smart would make me not cool...or maybe all the boys I was friends with or liked weren't in the smart group so I didn't want to get ahead in math.
It's the Cady Heron complex...you're either a mathlete or you're a plastic, social suicide vs. popular b*tch.

 Absolutely ridiculous right? I mean I was 8 years old...my cool status gave me what? Blacktop credit? Playground hierarchy? Not even...
So now and then I look back to that moment in my life and seriously hate myself. Who knows? What if I had joined the faster math group, and been ahead in math the rest of my academic life? Maybe in college I would have been able to study something that would have secured me a job...and I wouldn't be in the conundrum that I'm in now...jobless, single, living at home.

Even so, I can't even imagine myself studying something science or math related...I really did/do love cultural anthropology but what the f*ck has my degree helped me do? Absolutely nothing...I feel like I owe my parents 4 years of college tuition for wasting my time and their money.
I'm a month away from selling myself on the street.

Okay...maybe not like Ms.Roberts here...but I may just pick a corner and play guitar with a f*cking hat on the ground because apparently that is all I'm capable of doing....oh and Jeopardy.
So let's discuss my latest job interview...which was for a managerial position at a gym...it actually has a pretty good salary...but I go in for the interview and I've come prepared. I researched the gym and found that their original gym location is known as the 'mecca of bodybuilding'...I'm going in there to impress ya know?
Did I? Well I think so, but my mecca of bodybuilding line went straight out the window when I found out the man who was interviewing me had a Arabic/Persian/Indian name...was I really going to use the mecca line on him? Hello, #1 rule of anthropology is relating to the people you're interacting with by having some knowledge of their culture and trying not to interfere or offend them...So in an effort not to make an anthropological/interview faux pas, I instead said "I know your original gym is like super important in the fitness world." Judges?

Yep...that's what I thought....Oh and I had to settle for saying that I would take a front desk greeter job instead because NOT according to the manager job description, it requires knowing a lot about building crap, HVAC and  some other thing that I don't remember. He may just have been saying "Well you have to control the thermostat..." but I dunno. Oh and the job apparently needed previous retail work, and I have hospitality experience. Really? Is my selling you some bullsh*t at a random store really going to help me work at a gym? The only thing a retail job would've helped me do is become more angry at the world.

I left the interview feeling confident, then I realized that everyone I know has a real job secured already or is going to grad school and I'm just here with nothing. Oh and they all are in relationships, or have the potential for relationships...which I do not have since I tend to be mean picky when it comes to men I date also I'm never anywhere that I can even meet a guy. You see ...some of the people I know can look past a man's cholo ways, jail time, urban style of dress, cheating ways, lack of proper hygiene, lame jokes, zero manners, and overall a$$h*le tendencies....also if th3y t7p3 lyk3 thz ...apparently it is not an issue at all. 
Yea....no thanks.

I was considering becoming a nanny but because I'm not the average Latina (aka had my own kid or 1,000 younger cousins with their own children before middle school) ...I've not had any experience with infants. So I can't even be a babysitter...again f*ck everyone who did all that sh*t when we were younger and has Red cross training and crap. But see, I'm FUN and children tend to like me...plus babies are soft and I would like to hangout with them...but with my luck I'd probably get in trouble for teaching them bad things like this:

So now I've resorted to entering sweepstakes in order to get some money. I'm considering Publishers Clearing House for some monies....I also don't know how to use photo editing or any type of computer image design stuff...again f*ck everyone else who can.

So, since I have nothing to do with my life what do I do other than look for jobs online? I look up wedding proposals on youtube because I find them entertaining at first...they're all very lovely and beautiful and then it hits me that I'm single and not even remotely close to any type of proposal. I didn't even get a Prom posal (as the kids call it these days), it was more a "Hey so we're going together." from my boyfriend at the time...wow incredible to think that I was even dating at some point.

I'm like a pregnant woman when it comes to how I feel about my singledom...sometimes it's like this post where I hate everyone and their happiness but other days I'm actually quite fine with not having to deal with the stupidity a relationship often brings and I'm a happy woman...maybe if I was a single working woman I'd feel like I have a purpose in life and therefore wouldn't give a crap about being sans hombre.


I will continue to blame my 8 year old self, that silly stupid b*tch...she ruined everything. Now every time I go out I have nothing new to add to the conversation about my life. I'm gonna get this tattooed on my forehead so I can just show up to outings, not speak, and proceed to get drunk as balls.

It is 4pm on a Friday and I have no plans or money to spend. I hope your weekend is more eventful than mine.
Stay true to you

Love,
M