50 Shades of foul & Lessons in dancing

So I went dancing last night...here are some highlights:

1. After dancing with some weird Italian guy...I still smell like his cologne.
2. The most flirtation I received was 2 smiles from the bouncer at the door.
3. I have yet to master the art of being Latina...I don't have the inherent 'I can salsa' gene...I need to practice.
4. The white girl/black guy pairings made this place seem like the poster for jungle feevahhh
5. I spent money and still don't have a job.

 All in all it was a good time, I just need to get more people to go next time...specifically young men friends so there are nice, regular guys to dance with.

In reference to number 3 up there ^...I was asked to dance by the Italian guy again...to Cha Cha. Yeeeaa, I immediately told him I did not know how to dance but he insisted to try and teach me. After about 30 seconds I gave up and told him he could ask me to dance to ANY other type of music but I'd sit this one out.
I have lots of friends who would have been able to just pull something like that off...they would've faked some steps and gotten all video vixen/Latina lover on them and it would've worked. But I simply cannot and my body will not move or act that way...and there are several reasons why.

First of all, as I've mentioned before...I'm much taller than the average Latina girl...and when I go out dancing I usually wear a shoe with a heel or wedge...which makes me taller than the average guy. This is where awkward moment #1 tends to occur and it looks a little something like this:

So even if I'm miraculously asked to dance, the second I stand up I tower over whoever is dancing with me.
Next is the fact that this particular guy insisted on trying to teach me to Cha-Cha...after failing miserably in 2 seconds I had to sit back down...this occurred in front of my friends mostly but there were other people to enjoy the mini show of fail.

Sometimes I wish I was more like my friends who just get all...'Ohhh I'm sexy I can dance to anything if I move my hair around a lot and fake what I'm doing.'
Where my friends end up looking like this:
                      

                                                                         I end up looking like this no matter what I do:

To some extent I can dance...I suppose I have rhythm, or so I've been told...and after hours of practicing at the cholo club where I went to college, as well as dancing forever alone at home in the mirror...I've learned to know what looks okay and what doesn't look quite right when I dance.

Last night I know there were definitely some of those awkward moments when dancing with the cologne bathed man.
After the failed Cha-cha, he asked me to salsa dance...not my strongest but I tried. He taught me one step while we were dancing and things were going alright.....until he tried to dip me at the end of the song. He stepped on me...I think I hit him in the face...I almost fell...

This happened TWICE...I dunno why this bastard man chose to try a second time...it's not like the first was great but whatever that's cool...I stepped on both of his feet.
 We later danced to bachata and I think I was dancing quite well...but with my luck I probably looked like this:

Moving on to my job crisis...I'm nearing the 70+ mark of job applications sent...still no prospects...it's really not doing much to help my self-esteem/self-worth. More so it is fueling my 8 year old self-hate...
It also does not help that I have no where to put my university diploma so as I'm sitting there applying to jobs everyday, that stupid piece of paper that is doing absolutely nothing for me is just sitting there mocking me.

I think if at this point I sold my diploma to someone who never went to college it would be much more valuable than it is right now.

I recently Skype'd with one of my good friends who is away at grad school...my entire side of the conversation revolved around how everything just pisses me off. The happiness of others essentially makes me angry. I know, I shouldn't be that person...but honestly how can I not be that person right now? I need a f*cking jobbbbb dammiiiiiiit.

I sit and think about my future life plans and then realize that I'm not even close to being able to even start the process of getting there and my hopes and aspirations deflate and I'm back to " Wow, you're so worthless right now..." Depressing right? So I choose to distract myself with other things.

• I've been playing more guitar than I have in a very long time which always helps me relax.

• I've been reading for fun which I haven't done in years: I finished the last installment of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series...which upon finishing gave me some hope for myself......and then the moment passed.

Another book on the reading list....yep 50 Shades. My friend sent me a copy of it...it is so...so...weird. Morbid? I feel like I shouldn't be reading it...it semi-disgusts me...and the only reason I'm going to continue reading it is because I think someone in there is going to die and I want to find out if that is true.

I understand why so many housewives and lonely ladies are reading it because it is so out there and inappropriate but seriously? Your life is that mundane that you've resorted to this weird submissive/dominant themed book to entertain you?
I feel like the backlash of this series being so popular is that when those lonely ladies get a man or life partner or whatever...they're going to be these freaks and the other person is SO NOT going to be prepared for it that they'll run away. I can picture it now...it's a lovely evening for the couple...they arrive at the apartment of the once lonely lady and she introduces the other person to her whips and chains and crap...the other person makes this face...



.....and runs away.  E.L. James is a genius...because she knows she's ruining a generation of women who(m?) will never be able to get into a stable relationship...so they'll just have to find a hobby...like reading...more of the 50 Shades books perhaps. EL James, she's not an author...she's a genius business woman, ensuring that she will ALWAYS have people consuming her books like fat people and McDonald's.

Sneaky sneaky....


Anyway, I have yet to eat any real food today so I should go and eat some soup...once again in my attempt to lose weight I've resorted to food in cans. First the coupon tuna, now the low calorie soups. Maybe my excessive sweating while dancing last night removed some calories from my body....


yeaa I should've mentioned that somewhere up there in my list of reasons why I can't pull off the sexy Latina thing...where everyone else is lovely after dancing I always end up sweating like an obese person walking to their car in the Walmart parking lot...

I'm so pretty.

Okay...maybe not that much, but still..
If I didn't know how to find the humor in my life's trials I think I would be sooo screwed.
Thank goodness I can laugh at myself :)

Stay true to you.
Love,
M

Why I hate my (8 year old) self...

From time to time when things are particularly difficult in my life I think back to a pinnacle moment in my life that I think doomed defined me forever.

I'm 8 years old sitting in my 4th grade class and we're learning some math things, I believe we were using fake pizza pieces to learn about fractions...I always remember wishing those cardboard pieces of pizza were real ...I was a fat little kid.

So I'm sitting there with my fake food doing fractions and I can actually do them quite easily...in fact my teacher wanted me to move to the group which was learning more and was ahead of the rest of the class...but I refused...Why? Because I didn't want to look uncool I guess.
I guess the risk of looking smart would make me not cool...or maybe all the boys I was friends with or liked weren't in the smart group so I didn't want to get ahead in math.
It's the Cady Heron complex...you're either a mathlete or you're a plastic, social suicide vs. popular b*tch.

 Absolutely ridiculous right? I mean I was 8 years old...my cool status gave me what? Blacktop credit? Playground hierarchy? Not even...
So now and then I look back to that moment in my life and seriously hate myself. Who knows? What if I had joined the faster math group, and been ahead in math the rest of my academic life? Maybe in college I would have been able to study something that would have secured me a job...and I wouldn't be in the conundrum that I'm in now...jobless, single, living at home.

Even so, I can't even imagine myself studying something science or math related...I really did/do love cultural anthropology but what the f*ck has my degree helped me do? Absolutely nothing...I feel like I owe my parents 4 years of college tuition for wasting my time and their money.
I'm a month away from selling myself on the street.

Okay...maybe not like Ms.Roberts here...but I may just pick a corner and play guitar with a f*cking hat on the ground because apparently that is all I'm capable of doing....oh and Jeopardy.
So let's discuss my latest job interview...which was for a managerial position at a gym...it actually has a pretty good salary...but I go in for the interview and I've come prepared. I researched the gym and found that their original gym location is known as the 'mecca of bodybuilding'...I'm going in there to impress ya know?
Did I? Well I think so, but my mecca of bodybuilding line went straight out the window when I found out the man who was interviewing me had a Arabic/Persian/Indian name...was I really going to use the mecca line on him? Hello, #1 rule of anthropology is relating to the people you're interacting with by having some knowledge of their culture and trying not to interfere or offend them...So in an effort not to make an anthropological/interview faux pas, I instead said "I know your original gym is like super important in the fitness world." Judges?

Yep...that's what I thought....Oh and I had to settle for saying that I would take a front desk greeter job instead because NOT according to the manager job description, it requires knowing a lot about building crap, HVAC and  some other thing that I don't remember. He may just have been saying "Well you have to control the thermostat..." but I dunno. Oh and the job apparently needed previous retail work, and I have hospitality experience. Really? Is my selling you some bullsh*t at a random store really going to help me work at a gym? The only thing a retail job would've helped me do is become more angry at the world.

I left the interview feeling confident, then I realized that everyone I know has a real job secured already or is going to grad school and I'm just here with nothing. Oh and they all are in relationships, or have the potential for relationships...which I do not have since I tend to be mean picky when it comes to men I date also I'm never anywhere that I can even meet a guy. You see ...some of the people I know can look past a man's cholo ways, jail time, urban style of dress, cheating ways, lack of proper hygiene, lame jokes, zero manners, and overall a$$h*le tendencies....also if th3y t7p3 lyk3 thz ...apparently it is not an issue at all. 
Yea....no thanks.

I was considering becoming a nanny but because I'm not the average Latina (aka had my own kid or 1,000 younger cousins with their own children before middle school) ...I've not had any experience with infants. So I can't even be a babysitter...again f*ck everyone who did all that sh*t when we were younger and has Red cross training and crap. But see, I'm FUN and children tend to like me...plus babies are soft and I would like to hangout with them...but with my luck I'd probably get in trouble for teaching them bad things like this:

So now I've resorted to entering sweepstakes in order to get some money. I'm considering Publishers Clearing House for some monies....I also don't know how to use photo editing or any type of computer image design stuff...again f*ck everyone else who can.

So, since I have nothing to do with my life what do I do other than look for jobs online? I look up wedding proposals on youtube because I find them entertaining at first...they're all very lovely and beautiful and then it hits me that I'm single and not even remotely close to any type of proposal. I didn't even get a Prom posal (as the kids call it these days), it was more a "Hey so we're going together." from my boyfriend at the time...wow incredible to think that I was even dating at some point.

I'm like a pregnant woman when it comes to how I feel about my singledom...sometimes it's like this post where I hate everyone and their happiness but other days I'm actually quite fine with not having to deal with the stupidity a relationship often brings and I'm a happy woman...maybe if I was a single working woman I'd feel like I have a purpose in life and therefore wouldn't give a crap about being sans hombre.


I will continue to blame my 8 year old self, that silly stupid b*tch...she ruined everything. Now every time I go out I have nothing new to add to the conversation about my life. I'm gonna get this tattooed on my forehead so I can just show up to outings, not speak, and proceed to get drunk as balls.

It is 4pm on a Friday and I have no plans or money to spend. I hope your weekend is more eventful than mine.
Stay true to you

Love,
M

Same conversations, and feeling awkward for others...

It seems my job search situation is looking up as I have recently received feedback from 4 different jobs I applied for. Except for the fact that I:

1. Cancelled one interview- It required driving on highways...which despite having had my license for 2 years (Yes, I got it when I was 20), I have yet to master.
2. Another is a staffing agency, and although the laid back guy who called me and set up a meeting with me seemed nice, I don't see anything coming from it.
3. I called back another job and they said the manager would get back to me...it's 9pm, I called at 10am...no response.
4. The last 'job' is an internship and my reason for wanting to work for this place was less than extraordinary: "Umm, well you know working for the government...uhh is secure..." Or something to that extent. I should've just said the truth, "Hey I need a f*cking job in order to pay off my student loans so I can get rid of my debt, save, buy a place to live, etc.

Lately I've been feeling like a broken record, repeating the same conversations with different people. Obviously my job phone interviews require the same answers but it gets pretty old....and then there's the whole hometown friends drama....

It's always the same, I go out with the intention of not saying a thing about the so-called issue at hand, and then someone brings something up and before I know it I've said way too much. Which honestly, why should I keep how I feel to myself? If anyone else has a problem with how I feel well then that is their problem to deal with, I don't get upset because of the personal opinion of others. Anyway...I tend to do this:

Game face... to a rainbow of anger.

Then I end up walking back to my car thinking once again, son of a whore...you've done exactly what you said you wouldn't do, oh well...try again next time....

This high school drama is absolutely ridiculous...and the issue is that well here are the facts:

...........

Yea, I wrote a super long thing about this problem, but then realized it's not even worth describing.

I think that's how you know when a problem really doesn't matter to you...when writing an angsty post about it doesn't even seem enticing. 

Moving on......

I was sitting in a coffee shop forever alone today , and whilst pretending to tweet I heard the barista speaking with a male customer who had come in to grab his coffee. This poor man had just finished his workout, he had strolled in wearing full gym attire and was probably buying caffeine because it helped him build muscle...GQ has that type of sh*t in there all the time...he looked like a GQ man.

Anyway...this barista who at the time I couldn't see because of where I was sitting... started talking to this guy like they knew each other. I mean, I really thought she somehow knew him...friend of a friend type of thing. She asked him how old he was (27 or 25...those were the ages don't remember whose was whose), if he had a girlfriend, or a wife...WTF? I couldn't hear the guy answer that last one but I'm gonna assume he said he was single because as he walked out the door she yelled "I'll be here until we close!" ....to which he responded and scoffed "...H'okay...?"  I could see his face as he said it since the door was located next to where I was sitting and he looked just like this:

The barista by the way....looked like a blonde version of Monica, the Monica in that video...young Monica...

Am I a b*tch? NO! The fact that the girl was a big girl doesn't matter but the fact that she was so freaking awkward and forward with this semi-good looking athletic guy who was obviously not going into the coffee shop looking for love? THAT is what made her seem so WEIRD.

 One cannot be forkward when flirting with a man and have it work unless she is one of these women:

...and these women don't even exist so...you're screwed if you're forkward.

Unless you know, you can find yourself a lovely young man who understands your particular brand of weird and wants to purchase your stocks...and I know you're out there...so congratulations you lucky girls...I f*cking hate you and your perfect relationship...you're probably not even happy...you're lying to each other and probably cheating on each other...

Speaking of men and relationships...or lack there of. I don't think my way of driving is helping me attract them...you see I love cruising to Latin music...well blasting it rather...and it's not the most attractive thing to roll up next to a car that looks like this is happening inside of it:

Anything for Selenas- Watch the movie it's a great scene...

I also have one of those rear view mirror flags from my country of origin...as well as a window sticker that I got for free from Toyota for Latinos on FB that says something about my country of origin as well. So basically I look like this when I pull up to a stop light next to a nice young man:

That awkward color squiggle is my flag...those notes coming from my car scream Cholo...

and I wonder why I can't attract the men...but then again why would I want someone to hit on me...at a traffic stop?? .....Desperate

Looking past the trying to get a man via my car thing...I do think people are surprised when I park my car at my house and get out...since you hear me first before you see me and what you hear is pretty gangster...

I think when I step out I make people do a double take...or at least in my head that's what I picture. I also picture myself walking toward my house like a Victoria's Secret supermodel...but I probably look more like someone who is painfully aware that she's 3 inches under and 50lbs over that reality...or even more truthfully there is probably no one watching since my neighborhood lacks the vibrant excitement of my college apartment complex, full of red solo cups, drunk young people, and cop cars...ohhh college.

Tomorrow I plan on exercising...but I'll probably just wake up at 2pm, sit on my comfy chair while watching TV and checking FB on my Ipad until 7:30pm when I tune into Jeopardy...but who knows...maybe I'll surprise myself and find some motivation. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, right? Wait, didn't Kate Moss say that? Not someone to look up to as a role model...

“The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It's the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows & the beauty of a woman only grows with passing years.”

 Audrey Hepburn

Better, no? Stay true to you!

Love,

M

Hello my name is...M.

My name is..well....for this blog's sake I'll go by 'M'. It is currently almost 8pm on a Sunday in July. I've spent the last 4 days in Virginia's countryside with my family. I have 2 older siblings with successful jobs, who(m?) went to great universities and have accomplished so much before their 30s.

I however, just graduated a college which I absolutely LOVED, but isn't one of the best ranked out there. I have yet to get a real job, I've not dated in over a year, I've moved back home with my parents, and my so-called high school hometown friends have chosen not to include me on their escapades anymore.

Needless to say, sh*t sucks right now so I'm starting a blog.

I want to be able to look back on this post a  year from now and say "Wow, I'm so happy that I documented my journey to getting my great job, boyfriend, and amazing group of friends."...One can hope right? Ughhh. So- I'll be posting my life happenings here, which on a daily I find entertaining and hope someone out there thinks is entertaining as well.

Now that I've gotten the reason for this out of the way let me introduce myself...er...again.
I'm 'M', I'm Latina but I don't look like this ---->
(Well...on Halloween in 2010 I made an exception, but who wouldn't want to dress as Little Loca...at an almost all Caucasian school...where no one understood the joke...hello?..hello? No? Ok, just me.)

 I'm Latina but I don't/didn't look like this either...

                                               

...and neither did any of my friends growing up. Although, I went to a middle school akin to that of the high schools in Save the Last Dance or Bring it On 2...a little sketchy & more on the urban side because I didn't want to go to Catholic school like my sister did. Needless to say, because I chose to wear graphic tees and converse sneakers (à la Avril Lavigne- Hey, she was the sh*t in 2002),  as well as A&F polos with popped collars with trucker hats (Again, does anyone else remember 2002?) I did get judged for it.

• " Why does she dress like that? She's like punk one day and preppy the next..."

• " Don't you use blue magic?"- A foul hair product, I'm pretty sure it works on car engines too.

• " Why aren't you wearing Chinese slippers and rubber bands on your jeans?"

Okay...that third question I was never asked, but I imagine that was the talk of the cafeteria when I was basically the ONLY Latina who didn't go through a "ghetto" phase. A term which alone has it's own issues that reflects the ignorance of those who use it. ( Did I mention I majored in cultural anthropology?) But, I wasn't popular anyway so I doubt anyone cared that I dressed, spoke, and 'acted' more 'white' than Latina. But let me clear something up:

1. First of all, Latina or Hispanic is a term which defines my ethnicity NOT my race, BITCH. AND does acting stereotypically Latina (sassy, vixen, stupid,etc.) make me more Latina? Or does acting the way in which I was raised in household with obviously Latino parents make me more Latina than you who(m?) 'acts Latina'?
2. Second of ALL, the above is what I wish I had said to those stupidasses who called me 'white-washed' in middle school...however I probably just said 'No I'm not.' and looked like weak sauce.
.........Whatever, you probably had like 4 kids in high school...cholas.

                              Back to me...I look more like this:

M

Except my face and arms are tan...but if I had drawn it that way I would've looked weird...you know...because that drawing doesn't look weird at. all.

My thighs are those large round black mounds, the right one of which looks like a breast post Dr. 90210.

I don't have some horrible mutant thigh...I just think they're the fattest part of my body and therefore I made sure my self-portrait reflected that.

I'm also quite tall for a young lady ...5'9''...whereas most of my so-called (life) friends capped out at 4'5'' and 100 lbs so most of the time in photos I was either forced to the back or stood out like this:

Awkward as fuuuuuu...

Yeaaaa...growing up with friends who could barely reach the kitchen counter didn't make me feel uncomfortable at ALL. It wasn't until college that I could embrace my height, allowing me to see over everyone else at parties to find the keg and or hot guy... who would inevitably get closer to me only to find out the distance made our heights seem equal but REALLY he was part of the f*cking Keebler elves and therefore would choose one of my shorter friends.
Fine, fine...that's fine...I'm gonna get a drink and forget about Dobby...I hope he takes your socks, bitch.

What else about me? Hmm, well other than being tall and Latina I'm actually quite attractive (looking at my previous boyfriends you may think otherwise, they were nice guys though, and most of them grew into their looks. Now I sound like a b*tch but really I liked them for who they were, it was everyone else who asked me why the  F I was with them.) and funny and intelligent. I love watching Jeopardy, and I'm really freaking good at it. I even took the online qualification exam...yea it's like that. Oh and I'm a singer/songwriter with the guitar as my weapon of choice. 

1. Yes, I can actually play it.
2.  No, not like a 'girl' (though you're a d*ck for putting in that way). 
3. Yes, I've played guitar with a bunch of dudes before, and yes I was better than all of them. How do I know? They all stopped playing and said themselves that they sucked and I was putting them to shame. Moving on....

Despite all of these lovely attributes I have yet to catch the attention of the man of my dreams...tall, dark, and handsome..preferably Latino (although I've only dated Caucasian guys), or a fluent Spanish speaker, who is not a man-whore, who has a job, went to college, is a gentleman, can dance, dress well, watches good TV and movies, has similar taste in music to me, plays an instrument ( like piano or guitar- not some bullshit like the French horn), enjoys spending time with family, can cook at least a little, does not do drugs, isn't hiding some odd secret, and is willing to deal with my occasional petite breakdowns about how I hate everyone (usually only when I'm feeling particularly useless). I mean...is that too much to ask? Oh and he should look like this:
     Or this:

So, you know just send me a message if you're out there...or I can just stay single ("..hating my horrible life").

• That quote is from 'The Holiday' and you might as well know that if you're not up to speed on pop culture references you may miss out on most of my jokes because I'm essentially Lorelai Gilmore with a tropical twist and a crappier dating life. (I mean COME ON, in what freaking town does your local coffee shop owner look like Luke Danes? In reality there are more Gunther at Central Perk men than there are Luke from Luke's men and even so the Gunthers love the Rachels and I'm more of a Monica/Phoebe mix so who am I stuck with? A Chandler/Mike mix? Awesome, a sarcastic piano player.

Anyway, is this enough of an intro? I hope so because I'm going to make myself a tuna sandwich even though I want the pie downstairs because I'd like to not feel fat anymore dammit.

Oh, and I bought the tuna with a coupon...yes I bought 4 cans of tuna with a coupon at CVS and tried to use the coupon 4 times to get them for free. The damn attendant guy made it all complicated and said I wasn't allowed to do that...those TLC Coupon people make it look easy buying eight thousand dollars worth of Cheetos for a nickel and I can't buy 4 cans of tuna with a coupon, verrrrgggg....(curse word in Spanish, look it up I'm not explaining it to you.)
I'll probably post tomorrow considering I don't have a job...until then, stay true to you.

Love,
M